Two by The Antlers

The Antlers came on a playlist I was listening a few weeks back. I’d forgotten all about them. I forgot about them again until I started humming this melody today.

“In the middle of the night I was sleeping sitting up…”

Walden Pond, February, snow days, strawberry incense, Saturday white mornings in that front room in the Brawley house, snow days in captivity,

“Opened up the scars that had just finished healing…”

Memories of daddy’s hospice, the cancer that drained him dry,

“Your mistakes…”

that coffee shop, warm fresh baked chocolate cookies dipped in a Carmel steamer, Jesse Nowaczyk, Colin Bares, cigarettes in a dark cold room, the beginning of the fifty cent cigarillo habit, lonely hookah window displays, a musical album idea, zine fests, poetry books/readings, hippie potlucks

“Coming back like you always do…”

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Rosemont by Frontier Ruckus

No song reminds me of November during the college years more than this song. I find I can’t always listen to this song anymore because it no longer makes me feel good. I have to be in a specific mood before I will put the stolen compact disc in the player.

“That road was made of flesh…”

November, chilly air, countryside bike rides, leaving campus from the art way, zooming past college ave, standing on the pedals, gliding and coasting,

“Now it’s dead and now it’s beat…”

That communication class, a dead professor, the precocious one that lies next to me, he only attends once a week because of me, that rainbow plaid dress, stolen photographs, we all smoke and drift into the symphony we’re orchestrating and afterwards I will be taken home in the dirk mobile, the golden cruiser

“There is one thing that I’ve found…”

Yevgheni visits, voodoo magic wardrobe, readings in a science museum, the Russian poet, he once understood Ginsberg’s heart, “if you truly care about someone you make time for them,”

“I ain’t seen these things in vain…”

Sun Hands by Local Natives

I was looking at someone’s profile on OkCupid and his favourite band was Local Natives. I had to put this song as soon as possible. I don’t actually remember where I was in my life when I was listening to this song, but I remember the long contemplative conversations and thoughts I had around this time period.

“…and when I can’t feel with my sun hands!”

Dana Scheffen, psychology classes, radio kid dayz, February and November always seem the same, the fluorescent blue Christmas light day-glo bedroom scene,

“I promise not to lose her again!”

Pink fizzy drinks, we climbed out my bedroom window to sit on that rooftop overlooking the city, making out with those boys with girlfriends, “I bet she’s good at giving head,”

“The taunting gesture…”

Walden classes, Ishmael absorbed into the brain in two days, skipping every class/every meeting/every friend/every life obligation to digest the altering mind-bending material

“This is what you’re missing…”

3am Airport

First I wanted to read and I wanted transient music in the background, so I put this playlist on. I got a few more pages into The Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test and realized I wanted to meditate, so I did and I snapped out of it an hour and a half later. I still have the playlist going and…

I keep flashing back to Madrid: the airport at 3AM, smoking gin hookahs with Canadian boys and Stüttgart girls, ripping the tarp outta the wall, the Uruguay boys rugby team, that attractive coach, smoking weed with that crazy German guy in the park, the California lady, the glass house in the middle of the park filled with art, Plaza Mayor, the stone laid highways, that urban store along the way, the bubble man in the garden labyrinth, asshole American tourists, stolen bottles of rum that lead to the late night Harlem Shake, ukulele sing-a-longs, train rides with strangers about former love trysts, every day in that damn park.

I hated Madrid when I was there and now it’s memories hug me and show me there’s another way to love it.

One More Time by Daft Punk

Daft Punk has been invading my life these past couple of days, most just their song Around the World. Then today I was driving home and this song came on and I lost every inhibition in my mortal body,

“Celebrate and dance so free!”

The clock strikes midnight, 19th birthday celebration, a strangers apartment, huddled close, enraptured ecstasy, everyone gets low at the same time,

“Music’s got me feeling so free!”

The leader speaks, “when the beat drops, I want everybody to jump up and high five at the same time”, the anticipation creeping up in everyone’s hearts,

“ONE MORE TIME!”

HUZZAH! Bursts of joy from a unified group huddle high five, our bodies in sync to the music, we rode the wave straight on home, mission possible, we will all sleep sound tonight 💚

Empty by Ray LaMontagne

I was reading another’s writings and he was talking about music’s connection to the soul of the world. He mentioned Ray LaMontagne and I was stopped in my tracks,

“Walks through the garden rose with her bare feet, laughing…”

Golden, long flowing hair, crisp clean sunshine dust kissing the neck, sweet serene innocent laughter, white billowing country dress, daisy chain gracing the crown, dancing barefoot in this field, a dream I want to come true one day,

“Will I always feel this way…”

Whiskey taverns, fried curds tantalizing the taste buds, a burgundy coloured candlelit room, a stranger eats alone, the mysterious neighbour boy, shadows dancing on the walls and in his heart,

“So empty, so estranged…”

The death of a child, an ex-wife somewhere in the Montanas, giants bones, a great flood should the levee break, drawings of the virgin, he once studied these charcoal tools, now he excavates God, he drinks to suppress the memories, I drink to bring them on,

“Do your best to destroy me…”

This song reminds me of the darkest time of my own life and still how I love it so much; where he sounds so dire and miserable I hear hope, I hear the light coming up ahead, but still when the rain is pouring outside and I am feeling alone, I put this song on repeat and allow myself to feel the depths of my sadness in those moments.

“It’s the hurt you have inside that fuels the fires inside me…”

Empire State of Mind by Jay-Z feat. Alicia Keys

I don’t know how this song came to mind, but alas, here we are:

“Let’s hear it for Neeew Yooorrrk!”

Ellen Larsen, dancing in the living room, the Brawley house, Kayla’s laugh, spring fever, march madness,

“Concrete jungle where dreams are made of…”

Spring break 2010, Bryan, painted purple pants, “soul mates”, pink striped vest, pastel green checkered button up, Williamsburg lip piercings, square glasses, B&W scarf, pearlescent gloss, 3/4 inch sleeves,

“There’s nothing you can’t do…”

“He really looks up to you”, “I know, but I don’t know why”, philosophizing, religious affairs, drunk runs, peeing over city grates, strike up the band, a choral affair, PBR until 4 in the morning,

“The city never sleeps…”

Kids by MGMT

We were driving around Friday night listening to the old tunes, riding the sound waves back to the old days:

“You were a child…”

Dolls in drag, Aqua, Barbie Girls, after parties at the doll house, “I’ve got love for you if you were born in the 80s”, twins that cuddle, alone on a mysterious futon, too early to enter dorm with no ID, free breakfast at Debot,

“No time to think of consequences…”

Bike rides, a riverfront affair, the swing sets, the watering hole that no one knows, where we hide to watch the sunset, countryside, late night adventures,

“Control yourself, take only what you need…”

Month of May, windows open, end of the school year happiness, 99 oranges dreamsicles, marker wars, red and blonde follicles, Kibbles toads, melting booths, crowd surfing entrance, vomiting sidewalk,

“Crying out for attention…”

Bright orange cd, stolen spray paint, final project, English class, cock-eyes, gone half the time, “how I got to class today”, the backseat of a gator, Abe Lincoln’s top hat of doom,

“The memories fade…”

Oh, to be 21 again 😍

Boats and Birds by Gregory and the Hawk

I went to the movie theater tonight to see Interstellar. When I returned home this melody floated through my brain on a tiny surfboard and left a stream of pleasant memories, captured in a moments time:

“If you’ll be my star…”

Stacey & Shannon, laughing, Autumn 2006, the last time I knew things would be as they always were, squealing about all the cute boys’ harmonies,

“I’ll be your sky…”

David, Summer 2008, stolen kisses in a lustful bed, PBR, movie nights, “I don’t know how you can believe in God.”, “I don’t know how you can look at all of this and not.”,

“I live to make you free…”

Starry night skies, long winding drives, country air, dreamy landscapes in a reality all my own, brand new white Optimus opus hugging every curve of the land’s body,

“Stardust to remember you by…”

California by Delta Spirit

I started humming this song tonight and I couldn’t help but think:

“I want you to find whatever your heart needs…”

June 2012, innocent summer days, biking around Eugene with Christian, “Get Some!”, The Jeff, Broadway Posse, giant houses, beach ball barbecues, going away parties,

“All of the simple words you never said…”

Car rentals, Dodge Charger, the Oregon countryside, Kiyaka, the crossed barefoot river, crawling up-creek, mossy barren trees, “does it look like this where you’re from?”, silence in the woods,

“I want you to keep them like a secret to yourself…”

Oregon Country Faire, tequila days, green tutu, ocean drives at midnight, stolen technology, long red wigs, parties with after parties, stoopin’,

“You’re not for me…”