Until We Bleed by Kleerup feat. Lykke Li

It was only a matter of time before this song appeared on the mix. I don’t talk about the emotionally swelling moments as much as I talk about the crazy, fun times, maybe that’s why everyone thinks I’m such a vapid real wild child. These moments are just as real as the others though, and although I hated them when I was going through them, they forced me to grow into the woman I am today, and for that, I appreciate them.

“You’re gone…”

Your dad’s pick-up truck, watching you pull away, summer officially ended in those moments, the rest of us were stoopin’, what remained of us at least, I felt the knot in my stomach well up to my throat and bubble into my tear ducts, I ran away so no one would see them fall,

“Come back…”

I put this song on repeat, laid in my bed and cried, I repeated this routine after work every day for three days, the pain never seemed to stop, my biggest regret back then was not telling you how I felt,

“I need you to need me…”

Flashbacks to those dance parties, the moments I was chosen to be the dj while the others railed molly in the kitchen, finding this song again after many years of silence, foreshadowing of the events to come,

“We’re bound to linger on…”


Ritual Union by Little Dragon

I absolutely adore this song. It’s the right amount of light-hearted feel-good melodic harmonies. This morning it came on my YouTube mix ‘high for this’ and I was flashed to Eugene, Oregon, August 2013, the Whitaker Block Party.

“Ritual unions…”

The fashion show, “ooh, Christian, bald guy!”, “go talk to him for me!”, alluring the male species for my homosapien friends leading to tongue in cheek action, egyptian scarves blowing in the wind and time disappears around us,

“Got me…”

Pulled away by fate, sidewalk, seafish, sea cows, cow fish reunion, memory snaps, wake up again an hour later, reds, blues, greens, yellows, we permeate the epidermis with painted needles to configure songbird shapes on the arm of destiny, ‘cheers’ stampeding the creative side, Aaron and Tyler’s humble abode, the basement corner of the Jeff, the last of the bike brigade,

“In trouble…”

Day date hiking excursion, we drive out to the middle of nowhere and picnic the middle of a river, this infinity bores me to death, “I feel like I’m talking a lot”, “talk less then”, I love the date idea, hate the date, and life goes on



Love Will Tear Us Apart by Joy Division

Dozing in and out of consciousness on the living room couch, flashbacks came to me of a house in Charleston, South Carolina I’d once visited with Christian Moody, a boondocks backyard, a few lesbians, a few couchsurfers, a few party goers, I don’t even remember why we were there, whose house it was or what we were doing, but I remember entering the domain and I remember the toys in the backyard and the country drive lined with southern comfort and trees, then I remembered this song and how it seemed to play every time we got into the car,

“We’re changing our ways…”

Southern style wrap around porches, two lovers share a bed that barely know each other, we share their room, PBR on a kitchen floor, PBR in a random bar, PBR makes the dick go hard, more bounce to the ounce, grass stains on the thigh highs from the strangers humble abode, makeout sessions on a slab of cement in anywhere USA, the humble dreaded man wears boxers for shorts, our love tryst allows for an invitation to return to the sea, “sorry, we’re leaving today”,

“Taking different roads…”

Night spent Forrest Gumpin’ a ping pong room at the back of a local burger joint, stolen glances with cute waiter staff, the day spent exploring the seaside, strolls through downtown, strolls through marketplaces, rogue meetings at a drug dealers house in the west end, that strange convenient corner store, strolls through parks where every 20-something socialite girl seems to be getting married, strolls through rich neighbourhoods, the artsy girl with the cigarettes, that coffee shop with the low hanging trees, that random house party where we met no one but ourselves on a second floor balcony on some pillows and bean bag chairs,

“Love will tear us apart…”

Lying low under the boughs of the Angel Oak Tree, we count our blessings one by one –how the future’s done-, old man pants caught on film, silent meditations in the leaves, signs say do not touch, we draw the future on the roots of history, that Santigold album on repeat, drives to find the state park, caught in the rain, we find ourselves in the ocean,



Video Games by Lana Del Rey

Mamaro and I were watching The Great Gatsby with Leonardo DiCaprio the other day and I’ve hadĀ Young and BeautifulĀ by Lana Del Rey on repeat for the past week or so. I put it on YouTube and forgot about it, and now that YouTube started cueing songs, this song started playing out of the blue and I was flipped into an automatic trance…

“Swinging in the backyard…”

London, England, December 2011, Joshua Woods, my favourite moments, the secret adventures, running those basement halls in Mary Trevelyan Hall, “I’ve been searching every inch of this place for a grand piano!”, “There must be one somewhere, all the kids from the Royal Academy live here!” Sneaking into the ISH auditorium, opening closet doors, a dark lit hallway behind a wooden stage and all the hiding places we will never be found,

“I’m in his favourite sundress…”

A white elephant in a custodial closet, “Can somebody please tell me why this is in here?”, “This is absolutely ridiculous!”, selfies before the word, video games, “I would go up to the recital room, but it’s locked”, “I know how to get into it”, the secret passage, hiding in the dark, his phalanges caress each key gracefully, infinity takes hold, lying on the floor, finally, he let’s it all out of him,

“I say you the bestest…”

The security guard chases us around the building (he can’t figure it out), “How do you keep getting into this room?”

“Honey, is that true…”

The very last day, playing dress-up with Olue, skimming and scanning psychology books, shared secrets, model behaviour, photographs of the future, “this will forever be my favourite day”, post-it note quotes on a back tack door frame, the last time we will see that recital room, two long-legged anglo-saxon warriors fighting time behind those velvet drapes, push up, sneak out, we are young, wild and free on a shouting spree, chasing each other across the outer balcony, we don’t trip, we glisten, beaming ear to ear, we reach the end of the building and take a peak down Regent Street,

“They say that the world was built for two…”

Final moments at ISH, a slouch couch cuddle session, 10 pounds in a corner pocket, a machine that spits plastic re-wrapped goodies at us through it’s glass heart, -this song on repeat-, we are dancing now, in our heart and soul, he escorts me upstairs, we part ways at the elevator, he leans in for a kiss, auf wiedersehn for now London,

“Only worth living if somebody is loving you…”