My Broken Heart by Noah and the Whale

Earlier I was reading interviews with Laura Marling. They mentioned that The First Days of Spring was the album that Noah and the Whale frontman, Charlie Fink, wrote about their break-up and I realized I hadn’t thought about any of that music in forever. It had been subconsciously tucked away, repressed files on a library shelf in some impenetrable part of my cerebral cortex; until this very moment.

“I’ve been looking for hope these days…”

There is only one time of my life that this reminds me of: Spring 2011. I’d spent the better portion of that year in love with a boy; reciprocated feelings that never bared fruit. It was a complicated love affair, religion and politics segregated us (so much for separation of church and state). He visited me daily at the governmental affairs office, I started going to his church.  He wasn’t allowed to be with anyone that wasn’t grounded in Christ. It all ended one day when I finally told him, I just don’t get this stuff. I doesn’t make any sense to me and I can’t force myself to believe it; I didn’t want to live in this lie anymore.

“But love’s not finding me…”

The second nail to the cross came when he invited me to hang out to tell me he was going to ask out another girl. He insisted on telling me exactly why he liked her for some strange reason, “I like her because she is who she says she is all the time.” I’m glad you had the decency to tell me. A week later he ran up to me to tell me he was dating her. A year later he was sending me postcards across America to invite me to their wedding. I never heard from them again.

“But now my heart’s been broken…”

Another one of our friends invited me to hang out in his dorm room and listen to albums. It was a sounding session, he played this album and I reviewed each song. He borrowed me the album. I came back to my room, put this song on repeat and let every emotion pour out of  my tear ducts, every little insecurity, every feeling of resentment, every inadequacy.

“There’s nothing you can do…”

I had a great friend back then, we took care of each other in these moments because her favourite person in the world had broken her heart for an easier life with a vapid stick figure. We used to sit in her room and play ukulele, discuss psychology, and share boisterous laughs about shared memories. She would be my saving grace back then, and I would later destroy this friendship upon my return to the college town nine months later with the final words, “How can this still be effecting you? It’s time to move on with your life already.” She will never talk to me again, naivety breeds childish consequences. We learn to embrace the cycles as they come and ride the waves of this emotional rollercoaster called life.

“I’m impenetrable to pain…”

October by Broken Bells

Yesterday Mamaro and I went to Noodles and Company for lunch. This song came on and the usual occurred:

“Remember what they say…”

Riding in cars with boys, a Hot Chip//LCD Soundsystem farewell tour, Georgie Porge, Miiikkeee Willssonnn PARRTTYY!!, that car ride, Stevens Point to Milwaukee and back again, tender smoke, I’m not sure how I got here, but I’m not upset, “We Have Love”, heart-shapes in a crowded room, those girls at the show, so much love in this room and we’re passing the joint now,

“There’s no shortcut to a dream…”

Fashion magazines on a warm register, socks over tights under those brown boots we bought on clearance to save my toes from the rain, army green coats, autumn abodes, a denim jumper, a floral crop top from youth, autumn leaves fall around me,

“It’s all blood and sweat…”

Apple cinnamon pancakes, that window seat in downtown, we watch all the pedestrians pass, those searching eyes, hidden future lies, we discuss the album, we discuss life, our personal revolution, we know it was much more than fate that crossed our paths, we know that we’re much better than this but we’re only as good as the weakest player, which makes us not very good at all, to each his own, we scoff humanity and laugh along.

“And life is what you manage in between.”

Sometimes I Feel So Deserted by The Chemical Brothers

Suddenly memories of LA came shooting through my synapses. I can’t tell if it’s misfires or lapses in the space//time continuum that makes these flashes. It’s like cerebral lightning!

“And sometimes you feel so deserted…”

Friday. Night 1. Illegal swimming pools, we sneak around like the best of ’em. Free towels. Free splashes. Free sun. Free Egyptian friendship, chocked full of free table service.

“But hold on cause help is on the way…”

North Hollywood. Dressed to impress. Hardrock full of Brits. Only here to make you “Go!”, barely legal. Free sights. Free sounds. Free fights. Free weed. Free hotel beds. a cunning experience between layers of cotton. Taxi cab home. Death to Subway, death to 105 degree heat. Lick the hand that feeds you.

“And sometimes you feel so deserted…”

Saturday. Night 2. Free uber. Free beaches. Free the whales. $8 sunglasses; bartering system supreme! “Turn down for what!” Disco taxi, the only man that ever got me. The Pursuit of Happiness. Flashbacks to Brazilian classrooms.”I’d love for you to be my teacher.”, “What would you like to learn?”

“But hold on cause help is on the way…”

Parisian-Algerians, they lie for kisses, I lie for fun, fountain of youth into a neighbouring greenery, stargazing pavement chasers, hag spinsters, “I have to leave”, “Okay”, he’s left dazed and confused because I walk away.

“Sometimes you feel so deserted…”

Style by Taylor Swift

Mamaro and I went to eat lunch at Blue Harbor today. As we were leaving, I saw the maintenance mobile and it reminded me of my last day of work this summer.

“I’ve been there too a few times…”

My summer job bucket list item, a loose plan slipping from grip, the stars align in my favour that fateful night, “Yoooouuu!”, “Is that it?”, “I know that the maintenance mobile is around the corner. I also know that you have access to it.”, we watch the plan unfold,

“When we go crashing down…”

Buckled in, that plush green lawn, “You can’t tell anyone that this is happening!”, promises kept, tire tracks blasting up and down that sidewalk, the lakefront at night, high-fiving branches passing the time, summers end, endings always bring forth new beginnings, giggling like a school girl,

“We come back every time…”