A Path with Heart

“Before you embark on any path ask the question: Does this path have a heart? If the answer is no, you will know it, and then you must choose another path.” – Carlos Castaneda

I was caught between staying and going again, sullen after the last breakup, no acceptance letter from any of the grad schools and being caught here with no purpose. I thought of any exit plan: teaching English in Colombia in the winter, move to Miami in the fall, live in a hostel in New York in the fall. It felt like I was succumbing to the death of my soul. Stark madness flowing through my body: there has to be a way out! Suddenly it dawned on me, if nothing is working out, maybe I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be but I just haven’t found my purpose here yet. Then I found it, the place where imagination and reality collide along the trails of synchronicity and serendipity.

I’ve realized in these moments that what they say is true: You will know it by the way it feels.

 

 

 

Gaps in Time

I saw your pumpkin smile, half your face taken up with teeth and joy. Nights on sidewalks, summer love. A carnival romance, you know the type; here and gone -fleeting. “Do I wannnaa knooowww.” He shows off his graphix, I bat my lashes.

His positive cuneiform, magic sticks, eyes wide SHUT. The melting induced meltdown. Plucking and strumming, “Yes, you’ve got your spell on me baby!” Only seeing purple and paisley now, he wears his colours underneath tied bandana fro -lawd, and I see them now! An image I never saw burned into the retinas of my mind’s eye, a poster turned into a mind movie.

The Swedish Fish, we smoked in Rio de Janeiro with Afrikaans and Sri Lankan boys too cute to kiss. Anxiety keeps us apart, clarity brings us together. The future is meld in our hands. Astrological omens, my brother’s bee keeper, beauty stings skin deep.

and I SWEAR I’ll tell Adam Shea every time, but for three days straight this week, he has emerged, struttin’ these downtown streets. I found him, more so that he has found me, Alan Ginsberg, the man in the green tee.

2017 is the year of Wild Magic.

Runaway (U & I) – Galantis

“Beautiful things can happen when your heart remains open.”

I started therapy a week ago. It felt like I was losing control of my life. I would try to fill time with new interests, new people, new experiences and everything would excite me then just find a way to irritate me in the end.

My therapist told me I’m going to be a tough one to break because of my resistance. I’ve known about this resistance in myself for a long time. I don’t let anyone get that close to me, that’s why intimacy scares me. When men get that emotionally close to me, it feels like a giant wave is about to crash over me and I’m going to drown.

I am open with my thoughts and feelings, but never actually present in my being. I always want to be somewhere else then where I am. It’s gotten a bit better since staying in Sheboygan the majority of the last two years, but I find it’s an itch I’m dying to scratch.

My thoughts on my drive home after the last session were that I am this way because for some reason I think that I don’t deserve what I have or what I want, so I throw it all away. I am great at pushing people away and even better at self-sabotaging.

This year is really pushing me harder than any year before. First there was Shane, the perfect mirror. He made me realize, that if this is who I am, then things have got to change. Then there was Ceil, who told me that I should really look at myself because I might love what I see.

I want to understand myself and love myself. I don’t want to runaway anymore. I want a life I truly love that truly loves me back. Wish me luck!

Où es-tu mon amour by Mindpleasure & Friends

“Who for and what for, I don’t know…”

I’ve been encountering a lot of people lately with the same message, “love yourself, love yourself so you can love others.” It feels like the  universe is talking to me through the hearts and souls of those around me. This is all hot and fresh off a conversation I had with my boss today about how you don’t have to change who you are for anyone, you don’t have to go out in the world and ‘find yourself’, you just have to embrace yourself. A conversation I had with my friend last night about emotional intelligence, not taking on others emotions, not reacting directly to emotional triggers so that others can point the finger at you and make you look like the crazy one. It got me to thinking how much of my own life, my own identity has been shaped by what others have told me I am, and how much others have made me feel about myself.

Lately I’ve noticed myself questioning others influences on me because a few people have told me their insights into me that I just don’t identify with, nor see them as valid input.

I realized it’s not just me, a lot of people take on these identities they may not have even identified with in the beginning, in fact psychology has a term for it: mirror neurons. We take on the personality traits//feelings//thoughts of those around us, that’s why they say to watch the company you keep, that we’re the average of our six closest friends, and to even surround yourself with people you admire so you can pick up the traits yourself.

This made me realize that some of us spend so much time trying to figure out who we are when we’re around a group of people and distinguish that from who we are when around a completely different group of people and then somehow homogenize it all when we’re alone. In this befuddled mess we forget to just be.

So I’d like everyone to take a second and just be with me, as you are and see what comes from the process.

 

The Freedom of Letting Go: Learning to Love What I Have

10264734_748447765195198_1841962373_n

Today I quit the Peace group in my city. It wasn’t bringing peace to my life. It felt like this passive aggressive bubble was building and I found peace today in saying bye.

I’m not quite sure what’s happening in the world, it seems as though society is in disarray. Maybe if everyone would take two steps backward from every situation they’re apart of, take a deep breath and just be with themselves, we would feel a brief moment of peace, and that moment would cause a ripple effect unto the lives of those around us.

I took my two steps back today when I officially said bye to that group. My friend called me to talk about the terrible relationship he is in and it was the “straw that broke the camel’s back”.

He was talking about how he wants to leave but he doesn’t know where he wants to go, I brought up how we’re similar because I felt the same and then after hearing myself say all of that I realized, I don’t relate to that life anymore. It felt like I was letting the old me die in that phone conversation, letting that old me go so I can finally let who I want to be, who I am becoming, take hold. Maybe this won’t last forever, but I’ve found my place and I know it because of how it feels and that’s the most beautiful thing you can find in this mixed up world.

Then another phone conversation occurred after that one with a different friend. She told me how we’re both not good at being professional because of our emotional sides. I realized I don’t want to identify as that anymore either. I realized yesterday that I have emotional triggers and I’d rather recognize them than react to them, so I can flow more efficiently with this life.

One of the reasons that group became unhealthy for me was because one of the women in the group set off one of those emotional triggers inside of me and I started acting erratic because of it. I thought, “this isn’t healthy.” So I had to leave for my own well being. Then I realized that all my old friends coming to me and dumping their emotional baggage on me was just adding to this situation.

My friend’s mom, Judy, told me about a month or two ago that I’m learning discernment. A week ago she told me I’m learning boundaries. She taught me how they go hand in hand.

My life isn’t terrible at all, not in the least. I live at home with Mamaro, Smooch and Chobs. I hang out with my new artist friend, Bob, almost every night. I have an awesome room in a house in the middle of the country with a giant back yard that I roll around in sometimes. I have a job that I freakin’ really really love for the first time in a long time, seriously, all of my co-workers are cool, and I make art. I make art whenever the mood strikes and it’s awesome.

I realized I’m probably never going to visit my old bestie in her new city again because our lives are completely different and I’m not interested in her life anymore just like she’s no longer interested in mine. I’m probably never going to identify with my old party lifestyle ever again because I’m older now and I left it for a reason. I realized I don’t identify with most of the people from my past and that it’s okay to let a lot of them go because they just dump their shit on me and go.

Letting people go is okay, especially in the midst of designing a life you love.

So an hour ago I went to the beach and I sat on a park bench and wrote it all out. I realized, there’s is an honest truth that exists inside of me and if I honour that, I will feel completely free because it’s my true North and it’s never steered me wrong.

East Meets West

IMG_7809

Today was a rough day. This week wasn’t the easiest. To be honest, this year has felt like I’ve been trudging through the internal depths of my soul and I’ve been waiting for the light at the end of the tunnel. Tonight I decided to step outside, lay in the grass and stare up at the patterns in the trees. I thought about fractals, quantum entanglement, patterns, symmetry and then finally I realized, the sunset was casting perfect light on the right tree. The leaves reflected gold beams right at me as the limbs lit up. Then I noticed that the tree on the left was full of darkness because the suns rays were not hitting it at all. I realized that in the morning it would be the opposite, the sun would rise and it would be the left tree that would be shining with all it’s might and the right tree would be cast in shade.

Earlier I had a conversation with Chewie. We were discussing the current struggles in our lives and I was telling her that it seems like the people who were depressed and dark before are flourishing and now the people who were doing really well seem to be suffering. It feels like a dark wave of energy for us and more than likely a light wave of energy for other people. I was crying to Mamaro earlier and she told me that everyone who’s on top now won’t stay on top forever and she’s told me in the past that even I won’t stay on top forever because the universe is always in constant flux.

It all reminded me of yin and yang. A continuous cycle of dark and light times working together to achieve equilibrium. How intriguing it is to me that opposing forces are actually complementary, interconnected, and interdependent in this universe, and how as Wikipedia states, “they give rise to each other as they interrelate.”

How poetic this world of ours.