“Beautiful things can happen when your heart remains open.”
I started therapy a week ago. It felt like I was losing control of my life. I would try to fill time with new interests, new people, new experiences and everything would excite me then just find a way to irritate me in the end.
My therapist told me I’m going to be a tough one to break because of my resistance. I’ve known about this resistance in myself for a long time. I don’t let anyone get that close to me, that’s why intimacy scares me. When men get that emotionally close to me, it feels like a giant wave is about to crash over me and I’m going to drown.
I am open with my thoughts and feelings, but never actually present in my being. I always want to be somewhere else then where I am. It’s gotten a bit better since staying in Sheboygan the majority of the last two years, but I find it’s an itch I’m dying to scratch.
My thoughts on my drive home after the last session were that I am this way because for some reason I think that I don’t deserve what I have or what I want, so I throw it all away. I am great at pushing people away and even better at self-sabotaging.
This year is really pushing me harder than any year before. First there was Shane, the perfect mirror. He made me realize, that if this is who I am, then things have got to change. Then there was Ceil, who told me that I should really look at myself because I might love what I see.
I want to understand myself and love myself. I don’t want to runaway anymore. I want a life I truly love that truly loves me back. Wish me luck!