Ophelia by The Lumineers

I’m gonna sound like I’m on a quote binge, but seriously, I heard the smartest quote yesterday, “It is difficult for a woman to define her feelings in language which is chiefly made by men to express theirs.” There’s this feeling that I don’t know how to fully describe, but if you’re a woman, you might understand me.

I was driving home, windows open, breeze blowing in, my dog, Smooch, hanging his head out the back, drooling down the window. I started changing the radio channels and this song came on. I listened to it a lot a few months after things ended with my ex, so for awhile I could no longer hear the song without being sad about this period of my life. Well, today I heard it and it didn’t hurt anymore, I didn’t feel anything extreme, almost like a void where there used to be intensity, but it came through as though it was just another song on the radio. I enjoyed reminiscing for a brief moment about how much the song used to mean to me and old memories, but felt strange that it didn’t cause any reactions within me anymore. It’s such a deep feeling when you express it, when you’re feeling it, as though it’s the literal feeling of passage of time, but it feels like nothing at all.

Do you understand what I’m feeling? Is there a word for this feeling even?

Then another song came on the alternative radio station from my childhood and I felt just like my dad. If it was possible to channel and embody someone, and I think it’s quite likely seeing I’m his daughter, I felt like I was him for a brief instant, like I finally understood him. That was a completely new feeling for me too. It came with a sense of pride, like my own inner power was shining through and I finally understood for a brief moment why I always become calm when everything around me is chaotic. I saw exactly why my dad married my mom, she’s fucking crazy (a good type of crazy, but she’s neurotic as hell, I love her to pieces, absolutely adore her), honestly she started screaming at me when I came home and I just felt this sense of calm, like everything was fine and I started laughing. It made her more mad, it gave me real perspective of why my dad chose her and how their energies were completely different but perfectly complementary and I understood him from his own perspective. I could feel the depth of their energetic relationship.

These are both very unique feelings, but I know I’m not the only one who’s ever felt them. I don’t know if there’s exactly one word that describes these feelings even. I’m not sure that words accurately depict any feeling with extreme depth, like ‘I love you’, it’s honestly the most profound thing you can say to another living creature, but not backed by genuine feeling it means nothing, it’s a feeling that’s best shown, not told. Maybe that’s all true emotions.

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